Wounded!

 I know this so very well. I am feeling this way now. A year ago I found someone that I thought would be there for the long haul. Yet I was wrong. 

I have to be honest though I act if I am not hurting but I am deeply wounded. When you text or when you called to tell me certain things I act as if its okay that we don't talk anymore and that you are sleeping with someone else. But I have to be honest its hurting as if you stabbed me in the heart. Because with all reality you did. 

What hurts the most is that this is the first relationship that didn't start out sexually. That meant a lot. It was the conversations and me being totally open and honest about my past that is making this hard for me to let go. There were no red flags and I have yet to see one now even though you "just want to be friends." I will always be here for you as I am to all of my friends. 

I look back to see how we got so close then all of the sudden you pulled away. I cant explain it. I have asked you to tell me what happened and you said you were not ready. Well you were a few months ago. I was willing to leave everything to move from east coast to the northern west coast. Yet something or someone changed your mind in one week. 

I asked you to be honest with me and that you were and I appreciate that. However I think there is something more that you haven't said or will say. I sit here and analyze myself saying what will get you closer and I am unsure of the answer but I believe there is one thing that will help. Send my things back.

I am not sure why you are holding on to my things. I wish I understood why you just wont send them back. I have asked some advise about this and all of the people say that your holding on to them because you don't want to let me go. And God knows I wish that was true but the longer you wait to tell me how you feel or the longer you keep holding I will eventually move on. The question I was faced with the other day was "Ashley if he was to call and say that he made a mistake would you go?"  The way I feel right now is like yes I would leave tomorrow. And then some days I am like I am not sure. Yet my heart screams at me every time I say I am not sure I would go. I had a hard time not sending you a text for two weeks. I wanted to speak to you everyday like it was. But that seems a thing of the past and I miss it and you!

This week I had a thought and I am almost crazy enough to do it. If you wont send my stuff back then I am coming to get it. How would that work? Would you get pissed? Would you rekindle things? Would you think that I was crazy?..... so many questions. What would I find if i did come? 

SO I am going to continue to deal with my emotions and I am not going to promise that I wont cry. But I will promise that things are changing. Is this the beginning or the end?