Confessions of the broken hearted

Here recently I have wanted to have a husband and a family but just getting to dating someone has became a bit of a challenge. 

So I am about given up on love or the act of. 

Men these days are lame. No I am not talking about ALL but the majority. They don't know how to get to the point of love. I am not a believer at love at first site. And you can't love me when you barely know me. Lust is really strong these days. 

So here is how I think things should go.... No not that it will and there is other ways to go about it but here is an example:

Initial contact- Make sure when you ask for my number or ask me out on a date that is all you have in mind. Please I don't want to talk about sex or anything of the sexual content. We are just meeting. When you ask for my number don't expect me to give it to you on the first asking. It might be the wrong place or the wrong time. If you are consistent I might give it to you a few days or weeks later when I feel the time is right.

Friendship- This is what keeps the relationship strong when it comes to that point. And it keeps it lasting. Enjoying each others company and just being happy in the moments. Making memories together. 

 Dating- is going out and being together doing various non sexual things. Yes I am old school. And somewhat a traditionalist. Most Men skip this altogether either want friend with benefits or want to jump the gun to asking ridiculous things.  You must take time to get to know each other. Feel the aura of the other person to see if it matches or can mix with yours. Communication is the key to making things work. With me I want to know how you deal with your anger due to my past. I want to know how to make you life by testing you with my small jokes. I need to see your expressions. 

Relationship- Don't make promises that you can't keep it only sets your relationship up for unnecessary drama. Relationships and Marriages are hard work. Work hard at it if you want it to last. Yes it takes two to tango and to make this work. You can't do this alone your partner has to be willing to work hard at it too. Honesty is the best policy in anything that you do. Yes sometimes it hurts but I rather hear and feel the truth than deal with lies after lies.

Important qualities... Believer in God, Honesty, able to Communicate, Laughter, willing to put in the Hard Work, and Love. 

Simple things that I love.... Simple smile, your grabbing my had to hold at random times, telling me I am beautiful, a good hug and kiss good morning, a surprise visit just to sit under the stars... Things like this are amazing to me. 

I am a simple person. I like simple things. I don't need to be lavished with gifts. Spending time with someone special is a gift all by itself. I am not into playing games anymore. Getting two old for  BS. These are my views. Is this too much to ask? 

Wounded!

 I know this so very well. I am feeling this way now. A year ago I found someone that I thought would be there for the long haul. Yet I was wrong. 

I have to be honest though I act if I am not hurting but I am deeply wounded. When you text or when you called to tell me certain things I act as if its okay that we don't talk anymore and that you are sleeping with someone else. But I have to be honest its hurting as if you stabbed me in the heart. Because with all reality you did. 

What hurts the most is that this is the first relationship that didn't start out sexually. That meant a lot. It was the conversations and me being totally open and honest about my past that is making this hard for me to let go. There were no red flags and I have yet to see one now even though you "just want to be friends." I will always be here for you as I am to all of my friends. 

I look back to see how we got so close then all of the sudden you pulled away. I cant explain it. I have asked you to tell me what happened and you said you were not ready. Well you were a few months ago. I was willing to leave everything to move from east coast to the northern west coast. Yet something or someone changed your mind in one week. 

I asked you to be honest with me and that you were and I appreciate that. However I think there is something more that you haven't said or will say. I sit here and analyze myself saying what will get you closer and I am unsure of the answer but I believe there is one thing that will help. Send my things back.

I am not sure why you are holding on to my things. I wish I understood why you just wont send them back. I have asked some advise about this and all of the people say that your holding on to them because you don't want to let me go. And God knows I wish that was true but the longer you wait to tell me how you feel or the longer you keep holding I will eventually move on. The question I was faced with the other day was "Ashley if he was to call and say that he made a mistake would you go?"  The way I feel right now is like yes I would leave tomorrow. And then some days I am like I am not sure. Yet my heart screams at me every time I say I am not sure I would go. I had a hard time not sending you a text for two weeks. I wanted to speak to you everyday like it was. But that seems a thing of the past and I miss it and you!

This week I had a thought and I am almost crazy enough to do it. If you wont send my stuff back then I am coming to get it. How would that work? Would you get pissed? Would you rekindle things? Would you think that I was crazy?..... so many questions. What would I find if i did come? 

SO I am going to continue to deal with my emotions and I am not going to promise that I wont cry. But I will promise that things are changing. Is this the beginning or the end?

Day 10: Sick

Simple Post today asking for prayers!

Not feeling good at all!

Day 7,8,9: Frustrated

I have been extremely busy. After work I go straight to the gym for a workout with my personal trainer. I felt I needed a bit more motivation. 

Isn't that what this whole fast is about. Getting equipped and  more motivated by God to do the right things in life. So I guess I am making over my mind body soul and spirit. 

These past 3 days I have been frustrated a lot. With work and then with the gym. I thought I was stronger than I was. I cant believe that I forgot how to jump rope. Who forgets how to jump rope? After working out three days in a row with my personal trainer every muscle begs for me to rest. No pain not gain right. I will over come this I know I will. One step at a time.

Just like our walk with Christ. I never thought that you can walk with ease to get closer. I takes some times limping in the right direction to get closer. So one step at a time I am getting there. Please keep the prayers coming it not easy but with Christ I can do all things.